Sunday, November 7, 2010

Freshmen Philosophers

(Scene: The college coffee shop.  Thomas Aquinas and David Hume are seated at a table.  Plato joins them.)
Plato:  Hey guys!  I drank one too many Red Bulls last night and instead of sleeping I came up with a whole new philosophy!
Aquinas: Well what's the philosophy?
Plato: Everything is like... not real.... but it is, because the world is a gigantic mirror!
(Aquinas looks skeptical, Hume just drinks his coffee.)
Plato: Everything reflects forms from an alternate reality, like the one where Spock has a goatee.
(Aquinas smacks Plato upside the head.)
Plato: Ow!  What'd you do that for?
Aquinas: I didn't really smack you, that was just a reflection of the smacking Plato form.
Plato: No way dude!  Forms don't do stuff, they just kind of float around.
Aquinas: Then how did I smack you?
Hume: This whole conversation is pointless.  There's no way either of you can know any of that stuff.
Plato: I totally can know this stuff!  You sound like that Epicurus guy.
Hume: Epicurus is a goofball.  Although, he does throw some pretty sweet parties.
(All nod in agreement)
Hume: Anyway, what I mean to say is that we can't know about things that we don't experience, and even then we can't be certain.  Epicurus said something like that but then he got all trippy and decided that everyone should drink a lot because stuff is made of "atoms."  Don't try to discourage him though, he might stop giving us free beer.
Aquinas: If we cannot be certain of any truth, then why bother talking about it, or anything else for that matter?  Why are you going to college when you could be doing something fun?
Plato: Uber pwnage noob.
Hume: I totally have an answer to that question but the lazy author of this dialogue hasn't read enough of my work to produce it.  I gotta go to class now.  I've got Econ with Adam Smith. 
Aquinas:  It occurs to me that by getting up from your chair you are providing evidence for a prime mover.
Hume: Whatever.
Aquinas: Well I've got to go too.  I'm off to Augustine's city management class.
Plato: See you later dudes.
(Hume and Aquinas leave.  Plato sips his coffee)
Plato: Those guys are some crazy mirrors.


  1. You're a philosophical playwright. Bravo. Gonna tweet this one.

  2. All I have to add is this:

  3. This totally made my day :D LOVED it! Especially the part where Hume butts in and says "this conversation is pointless..." you should continue this and add more philosophers as you go :)

  4. TH2, Anon, thanks for the kind words.
    Al: Hilarious!

  5. Patrick, glad you liked them.