Friday, November 19, 2010

I Appoint Some Czars

As of yesterday, there were 39 federal policy "Czars," most of them never approved by the Senate.  The constitutionality of the Czars has been questioned, and there's no doubt that they are used to expand the power of the executive branch.  President Obama's Czars include an Asian Carp Czar (really,) an AIDS Czar, an Ethics Czar, a Car Czar, and a Global Warming Czar.  There seems to be a Czar for just about everything and Obama continues to appoint more.

By the time you read this, a coup d'etat will have resulted in my becoming president of the United States.   (All comments should address me as Mr. President)  With the power vested in me by myself, I have appointed several new Czars:

Safe Schools Czar: Chuck Norris

Chuck's first task will be to roundhouse kick his predecessor in the face.  Obama's Safe School Czar is Kevin Jennings, a man who has spent his career promoting homosexuality in schools and is buddies with a prominent member of NAMBLA.  (If you don't know what NAMBLA stands for do not look it up)  After assuming Jennings's duties, Chuck will proceed to end all crime in schools and raise test grades by 5000% percent within a week.
Projected Budget: He's Chuck Norris.  He doesn't need a budget. 

Pro Life Czar: Fr. Frank Pavone

Fr. Pavone will be in charge of facilitating all federal pro-life activities.  He will get 300 votes in the House of Representatives, 61 in the Senate and 5 on the Supreme Court.  If anyone questions the constitutionality of this arrangement, Fr. Pavone can send the Safe Schools Czar to discuss the matter with them.
Projected Budget: 4 Billion Dollars

Video Games Czar: Sid Meir

Meir will be in charge of federal funding of computer game development.  Government grants will motivate software companies to make good games (ie. games that I like).  Get rid of Grand Theft Auto and make more Civilization and Panzer General.
Projected Budget: 50 Million Dollars

Economics Czar: P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. will direct national economic policy and whiskey importation.  As a humorist, he will also be in charge of all national level practical jokes.  P.J. (who is a recent convert) will get half the people in the country to hide for a few days.  All the evangelicals will think that the rapture happened and that they got left behind.
Projected Budget: 100 Million Dollars and 20 cases of cigars

Science Czar: Fr. Robert Spitzer

Fr. Spitzer will formulate national standards for science education based on Thomist metaphysics.  By my request, the Science Czar will direct 20% of his budget to the development of warp drive.
Projected Budget: 200 Million Dollars

Czar Czar: Nicholas II

Sure the guy's dead, incompetent, and lacks American citizenship, but I see no reason why that should disqualify him from holding federal office.
Projected Budget: 10 Million Dollars

I'm sure that the citizenry will appreciate my new appointments, and if they don't, I can simply remind them that I'm the one with the tanks (and Chuck Norris).  Now everyone sing Hail to the Chief!


  1. You left out the most important Czar of all, the 1 responsible for dealing with the "habitless hussies". Given how they are dying out they need to be gathered up & herded onto a preserve where they can live out their last days safely away from the rest of us. IMHO Fr. Corapi would be the best in my mind to deal with them.

    & since you are now the president of the USA I guess it is time for me to officially take over the tri-state area & declare myself benevolent dictator for life. Given we have several groups of habitless hussies here your help in rounding them up will be greatly appreciated.

    PS: I am sure by now you saw that CERN has captured some anti-matter. So we are 1 step closer to warp drive. Live long & prosper.

  2. Your list of butt kicking, reforming all the immorality Czars are great!

  3. Al: I officially recognize your authority over the Catholic Republic of Dubuque. Thanks for vetting Fr. Corapi. Perhaps he'll make a future list. Fr. Spitzer informed me of the CERN development this morning. Excellent news!

    Teresa: Thanks!

  4. I would like to nominate Cardinal Burke as mealy mouthed prelate Czar. Budget--all the Tasers and cattle prods he wants

  5. Patrick, since we have officially recognized each other's regime, of course now we have to exchange ambassadors. Will get back to you on that 1. As well as the official name of the country.

  6. Ignorant Redneck:
    "Don't tase me bro!"- Sister Joan Chittiser

    Al: Of course.

  7. Patrick, I just was going through your older articles (haven't been on here for awhile)...this one is great! Fantastic nominations, including Chuck Noris, the video game czar (yeah civ!) and the Czar Czar!
    -Liz, your fellow BC classmate